Pull up your chairs for this one. I plan on blowing the lid off what really goes on behind the scenes. Here are some classic groups of writers/authors you should avoid at all costs. This will save your sanity and perhaps, your manuscripts.
- Literary Snobs: Oh, yes! They hide in large groups of writers/authors. You can find these pesky vermin in Facebook newbie groups, LinkedIn, and anywhere they can hide. What do they do? They destroy any piece of work you have written. They tend to be over-critical and a pack of jerks. Nothing you write is ever good enough in their eyes. These nasty trolls hate on authors like: E.L. James, Stephenie Meyers, John Grisham, James Patterson, and yes… J.K. Rowling. Never mind they were successful authors and sold millions of copies. They consider them “hacks” and if you write like them, prepared to be destroyed. They make you feel absolutely worthless for using adjectives and claim every sentence you write is a disaster. They know more than you because they’ve sold more copies of books than you. When in truth, these literary trolls usually never disclose what books they’ve written. And when you do find out books they’ve written… they’ve received less than five-stars because of their lack of imagination. Not only that… self-published authors are simply throwing money out the window, every time they self-publish a novel. They normally travel in a large cluster of other literary morons that believe they know everything. Writer Beware: Avoid these groups at all costs. They are not a multi-best seller. They didn’t even make the list for New York Times or Amazon’s best seller’s list.And if you do have a book listed, they find your book and purposely bomb it, by leaving you a review that has nothing to do with your book. Watch out… “Et Tu Brute” anyone?
- Get Rich Quick Writer/Author: Oh… you can come across these in Facebook or LinkedIn groups. They even promote their junk on Twitter. Sometimes they hide out and strike at the wrong time. These writers/authors believe their work is perfect. They ask for advice but they never take advice seriously. They normally pop out novellas and they really are terrible. Their work is usually poorly formatted and riddled with errors. They normally write something like this for example: I went too the market with Jolly and we picked out a wreath and the color was purple and I checked out a mofo with a big sack of shit. Nevermind this shit doesn’t make knows since. I’ma tell you how to right. Did I say right instead of write? Fuck yeah… because my shit’s a bestseller’s. Woohoo… Give me that Lamborghheeeni yall. Me and the youngins are moved up in the big house because we cool like that. They need massive help or clue but never accept help. Their books score less than two-stars if they’re lucky. An editor can be your friend and help you decipher and fix the above example. They don’t know what point of view, character dialogue, character archetypes, past/present/future tense, or what a cliff-hanger is. These flood Amazon’s Createspace, KDP, and Smashwords. Yes, their work is that terrible.
- The Announcement Author/Writer: They make sure they tell you that they’re writing a novel… non-stop. You can find these on Twitter or on your Facebook buddy list. “Yo, I’m writing a novel.” They never get shit done because they’re busy socializing instead of writing. They are lucky to make it to 50,000 words.
- Kicking it Old School Writer/Author: You can find these in NaNoWriMo groups. They really want to burn their computer/laptops. They only have these for entertainment purposes or to fill in word counts. You almost never hear from them. They are busy writing their novels by hand. If you write your rough draft via the computer/tablet/laptop… you’re the enemy. Never mind if you have physical ailments to prevent you from writing by hand. They can feel writers of the past flow through their rough drafts, when they write by hand. These authors/writers are typically intelligent but they won’t get down with the real world. How dare you write your rough draft using today’s technology! Hiss…
- The Em-Dash/Ellipses/Comma Writer/Author: You can see some of them in traditionally published books. They have their works published and you don’t understand why. They love the using em-dashes throughout their paragraphs and it makes a frustrating read.By the time you’re done reading their novels, you want to burn the em-dash, ellipse, or commas. Never mind that it takes you out of their novels. Why must you overuse these? Um… I… hate… too… many… ellipses… I’m, a comma-chameleon, comma, comma, comma… chameleon. She was hot–too–trot–don’t–you–enjoy–em-dashes–I–love–reading–books–like–these.
- Melodramatic Writer/Author: Everything they write is automatic trash. Nothing reads good enough in their eyes. You can find these writers on Wattpad. Even though they are hard on themselves, you appreciate their honesty. “My work is shit!” They remind you of a painter who paints this beautiful piece of artwork but they destroy it. They are afraid of critics and hateful reviews. They keep their work up for a short period of time. Even though it’s good, they still can’t conquer their own inner demons. They normally take down all their websites, WordPress sites, Facebook Author groups, and even Twitter. They feel that they could never be as good as J.K. Rowling, George R.R. Martin, or even Tolkien. Some of the literary greats were in this category. And sadly… some of those greats committed suicide. Not all are like this but a ton are suicidal in this category. If you’re in this category, please seek help. We don’t need to lose your brilliant voice in our world. Everything is negative and nothing is ever positive. Even though they’ve received five-stars from their peers, they will typically study the one-star reviews over the five-stars. Yes, they ignore those important five-star reviews.
- The Lazy Writer/Author: The only time these writers come out is the month of NaNoWriMo. The only time they write is during the month of November. They can’t understand that writing is a daily job. And they certainly never meet their word counts for the month of November. We’re lucky to see them achieve five hundred words for the month of November. “My mind is blank.” The only way to redeem yourself from this pitfall is by writing every day. Start with writing prompts and work your way to developing your characters.
- The Perfectionist: You can find them everywhere. They are similar to the melodramatic writer but different. They believe their plots have to be perfect. They also believe their rough drafts have to be perfect, even though it’s called a rough draft for a reason. I never include chapter titles, prologues, scene breaks, or epilogues when I’m in rough draft mode. It’s going to look ugly and it won’t be perfect. Going back and re-editing your work, will never help you finish your rough draft on time. The best thing to do is to keep writing. You can always go back with a first revision, second, third, fourth, fifth, and so forth. It doesn’t need to be perfect the first time you write something. Of course, it will have errors. Even final drafts have errors.
- The Busy Writer/Author: You don’t see these much. They have children, spouse, jobs, or school to attend. They often put more pressure on themselves than they need to do. By the time they’re done, they’re tired. They are worn the fuck out. They’ve ran little Sally to cheer and Bobby Joe to football practice. The way to combat this is to take a notebook and a pen with you. If you’re kid isn’t playing, start writing. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve taken a tablet with me while watching all three sons play baseball. If my kid isn’t up to bat or playing in the field, I’m writing. I even take a notebook and a pen with me for school functions. It’s called multi-tasking not being a bad parent. If you have a test at school, take a notebook and pen with you. Finish your test and write a paragraph. It can be done.
- The Martyr/Charitable Writer/Author: These group of people are the most self-sacrificing people. They help with writer prompts and form groups on YouTube, NaNoWriMo, and Facebook. They have a strict policy that keeps the 1-9 out. They form public groups of writers that we can mingle with each other. You love them because they’re always smiling and have something tangible to say. They make you feel good about yourself. We need more writers/authors like these. They often encourage you to write. Unlike one through nine, these people are often best seller’s. They never have a mean thing to say and somehow get shit done. These people are magicians and saints. They are typically your M.L or region leaders on NaNoWriMo. Even Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling are extremely supportive of all writers. They don’t put writers/authors into Indie/Self vs Traditionally published writers. Even E.L. James is a big supporter of other writers/authors. Go on YouTube and find M. Kirin. This author will make you feel important and always brightens your day with the advice this person gives you. We have enough back-stabbing and evil in the world. How you treat other writers makes you either a good person or a bad person. I don’t know about you but I’d rather be in this group of writers. We give tips on everything to help you give ideas. We want you to share your work. We are not in competition with you. A world without words, isn’t a world I want to live in. Be strong, be brave, and take a chance. All it takes is just one word at a time. Eventually, you’ll have a beautiful piece of literature. All you need is a little help or advice. It is up to you, if you want to take that help.
I hope this list brightens your day. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry. If I’ve pissed you off, maybe you need to change your habits. I would like to be number 10, how about you?